Life....

Life has not felt this good in a long while. Last year we were given the devastating news that the love of our lives did not make it, we had been 37 weeks pregnant when just one day out of no where he died. When we delivered the most beautiful baby we knew what had taken his life, his umbilical cord had gotten twisted down to the size of a pen at his belly button. 3 months after his death we were given the OK to try again if we were ready for it. Of course we were. Just 2 weeks after trying again, we knew we were pregnant for the 2nd time. After a long 9 months and many many doctor visits (which we are very thankful for) Jacen arrived, with a scare but is happy and very heathly. I must say that I never really imagined what life would actually be like once Jacen got here, its definately a blessing and challenging as well. I love every minute with him. Life is good but there is always going to be a pain in my heart that will never leave me, the pain that my precious Jacen will never play with or know his big brother on this earth. Every mother I know that has lost a child has told me that you will go through the raw grieving process all over again once you have a living child in your arms. I never realized how true that was until a few days after we brought Jacen home. It hit me hard. I went from extremely ecstatic about Jacen to my heart just breaking to pieces again for Jay (as it has since the day he left me). Everyday is new and fresh and full of surprises. All we can do is take it as it comes and one moment at a time. I love my new life with Jacen, he just amazes me everyday. He just melts my heart and makes every pain a little less painful. When I look at him and just see him smile and know that he is seeing his big brother makes the world stop spinning. Makes everything feel alright. He is a true blessing. They both are.